I spoke to my aunt last night who I haven't seen or spoke to in 33 years (found her through Facebook) she told me my grandfather died at 37 from heart failure, his brothers died from heart disease, and her and her kids all have minor heart issues. Kinda freaked me out. Coincidentally I had a cardiologist appointment today and told him about this newly found family history. He has scheduled me for angiogram on monday...surprisingly I am not super freaked out by all of this new stuff..I called my aunt as soon as I left the Dr. to let her know about the angiogram and my Dr. wanted me to ask her of she had specific info my grandfather died..she didn't know specifics. She told me she was 16 when he died and he knew he was dieing. I asked her of he seemed scared she said no not at all he even joked about it, said his goodbyes, and past away. She told me he was a very good man she still called him daddy which made me think she loved him very much. By this time I was balling my eyes out knowing my grandfather was a good man with lots of friends and people who loved him and died at such young age.
I haven't spoke to my own father but once in twenty years. He and I had never been close and when i was 14 years old we had huge falling out..so I had never had much respect for him..even now looking back i can see how much of a jerk he was.
I don't know anything about his health condition neither does my aunt but he is still alive.
I hope after Monday when i see the results of the angiogram even if it shows something bad I can have a little more of peace of mind.
I have really been trying to have a positive attitude lately and have had two really good days in a row .....whatever happens after monday I know i will be fine! :)
Right know as I am writing this the t.v is on channel 9...there is a show on about twin baby girls conjoined at the head...makes my problems seem......well not like problems at all..guess I will try to get some sleep now. I do not go to church or anything like that but I will be praying that all my new skipper friends and i will have peace
someday SOOON!
If anyone has had an angiogram any info on it would be appreciated

Found this site last night some time early in th a.m ......not even sure I am writing this in the rite place . So I just woke up after about four hours sleep (I try to fight sleep off out fear of dying in my sleep) from a really bad night/morning. I was sure last night i was definitely going to go into cardiac arrest. I am in real bad place in my life right now ....i feel petty writing that knowing others on this earth are in a much worse state of living than I am ...my problems seem pathetic.....just a little recent history on me ...I first noticed my pvc's about six years ago and really thought nothing of them. I told my wife about them and she said I should go to the e.r just in case, however I remember feeling not worried or stressed at all ..I thought I will just go to be safe im sure its nothing ...well that one visit led to my diagnosis(pvc's), 2 stress tests,full blood work three times a ct scan two holter monitors and three e.r visits in the past six months and im scheduled to see my third cardiologist Dr. for the second time on the first of the month ..all of the docs as soon as they see me all say you're to young to have anything wrong with you ...I forgot to tell you all tests come back "benign pvc's" I feel like I'm starting to loose my mind here. I have been starting to have what seems to be full blown panic attacks lately...when I start having an episode of pvc's I start obsessing over them especially when I get the light headedness and that super long delay after the double beat......you know the delay were you think you've just felt heart completely stop and your going into cardiac arrest and any second your going to just fall over and you want to cry out to the person next to you "hey help me I have a heart condition and i think I am about to need some help!" ...I don't even know where I'm going with this ...I definitely have been wanting to set up some time to go see a psychologists or even a neurological Dr. I keep thinking the docs are missing something or they don't know what they are talking about .....but slowly I am coming to the conclusion of yea I have pvc's but I probably also have some form of anxiety disorder and or o.c.d and that is what is leading to these crippling panic attacks... I feel so weak and embarrassed by all of this. I have always prided myself on being such a strong person and lately I feel like my life is spiraling out of control and I just can't get a hold of it ....I feel like not even posting this as I look back over this ....but I hope in some way it will help me start to get better by writing down how I feel and what's going on with me rite now ...hopefully someday I can look back at this and remember it as being just phase in my life.

A lovely good day to you all.

Man, it is so lovely out, the sun is shining, and against the white snow on the ground, it looks just like a postcard. No wind either, perfect.

I have been busy all morning, I am trying to get forms and paperwork in order so I can get a passport and some other things, man, the red tape you have to go through, they sure could save a lot of trees if it was not for all that paperwork, LOL, form after form, kind of stressful to say the least. I have some of them already filled out, now I need to get them notarized, and get a picture for passport, then I can send all that in and then wait for the return of my passport booklet. Whew, I am tired already. LOL.

I also have to go to Yakima today to return that heart monitor and to do some other things. I have been so busy, I forgot to even think about my heart beats and such, it is good.

Well dear ones, I am off, have some things to do. Have a wonderful day in the Lord.

Love and hugs to all
Susie~Q

I feel so stupid and pathetic. I'm sitting in my car bawling in the urgent care parking lot. My heart was skipping sometimes in bigenemy clusters and just scared. Of course stopped now. I can't do this. I cant live this way.

My therapist today was pretty blunt with me. Lol she thinks I'm depressed (I am) and should take meds which I refused. She also thinks I'm causing most of my pvcs by thinking about them constantly and waiting for them to come. I agree and disagree at the same time. I do not think about them when I'm lifting groceries yet they come every time I do that. She I'm super uptight (yes) and always worried about everyone else and trying to control everything,

I feel like my entire life is a mess. I blame the pvcs but really I known it is more than that. I just wish there was a magic answer to make these pvcs go away.

I wish I could change everything

This is my most recent blog post...thought I would share it here...

Boy am I pissed. I feel like I put the car in reverse just to go back to that pit was I able to drive from seemingly long ago. I know it is unhealthy and the worst thing for me…but I cannot seem to get my foot off the accelerator.

GAD – Generalized Anxiety Disorder – is something I deal with on a daily basis. This is no shock or surprise. I am in therapy for it and have been gradually getting better at dealing with it. But the panic, terror and constant fear is something I thought I had left in the dust several years ago. At one time in my life, I was having severe panic attacks almost every single day. That is when I started taking klonopin and since then – I have been pretty ok. No real full blown attacks since. But sadly, I feel myself regressing.

The fear has reintroduced itself to my life and I am trying SO hard to squash it. Just like it was in my 20s, this is all sparked by my heart symptoms. This past week, my PACs (feels like a skipped beat…very noticable) have been much worse than normal. They are always worse the week prior to my period…but this month has been more frequent than usual.

I am letting this consume me. It has taken over. I still try to be normal…cooks meals for the family, clean, shop, even exercise (tho much lighter). But all the while I am filled with anxiety and fear and worry. I am living in a world of what if-s and why me-s.

I have an appointment tomorrow with a cardiologist for a second opinion. I just learned that all my records may not be ready on time and I am now really pissed off. I feel it is very important he has all the tests to read over. Charlie took off work to bring me and I NEED this to be tomorrow. I cannot wait longer. I have made it my goal that after this consult, I will get back to my normal life and leave this behind. I promised myself. So this needs to happen tomorrow.

My mom works with this Dr. and thinks very highly of him. His staff was excellent in getting me in whenever I wanted and are eager to help me. I feel good about going. But I am worried I won’t have all the info he needs.

I should also say that the staff where my current EP is is also great. They have been helpful and understanding. But I do fear the Dr. may be pushing for a procedure I may not need. I need to be sure.

By this time tomorrow I want to be calm and reassured. I want to laugh and enjoy my life. I deserve it damnit. I will NOT live like this again. Too many years were wasted on constant anxiety attacks…constant terror. I will NOT do that again.

Well I just took my KOH monitor off, I did not have any major "skips" so, those two weeks were rather uneventful. As I said, I took it off today, the allotted time is over, now, I feel very lost without it and am nervous that I will have a major "skip" episode and I do not have the monitor to record it. I am even sort of feeling something like little "Skips" right now, but, I know that it is not so, my pulse is fine. This just goes to show me that most of my heart skips are "anxiety related" but still, I am nervous.

Please keep me in your prayers and ask our dear Lord to help me feel at peace, gosh, if I felt good with the monitor, I should feel fine now, it is just my silly thought pattern running away with me.

I will see the doctor about the results next Tuesday, the 31st, I will let you all know what he says.

Thank you and God bless
Susie

Well my thyroid uptake scan came out good - no nodules or goiter so that's good news. I was slightly hyperthyroid but my uptake was only 18% (normal is 16 or less) and considering 5 years ago it was 91% - I will take it!! I was slightly hoping to make a connection with the pvcs but looks like I'm back to square one with those. If only I could wish the pvcs away....

Dear Google,

I will no longer allow you to consume hours of my time daily. I will no longer ask your opinion everytime I feel a bump thud or skip. From now on Google free is the way for me!! :zorro:

So next week I am going in to get some blood work done to test for pretty much everything! I'm done trying to figure this out thru the cardiologist because I must bug the sh*t out of them! I am mainly getting my thyroid checked..
I'm just sooo annoyed with them anymore and lately they have been those pause ones WHICH I HATE!! I'm hoping they find something that can help!! Anything!!! I know it's prolly hormones and NO sleep.. but just wanted to get it all checked out and ruled out!!

Well, here is another 7 day journal, this one is for the new monitor, as I said in my last post in my last journal, I just did not feel that the monitor I wore for those 7 days was any good, it was banged up, had tape on it, etc. This one is a lot better, so, here we go again.

It was put on me at 11:30 before I came home, this time, I will not be out of town, but home, so, we shall see if this makes a difference, I tend to be more nervous at home, but, so far, all is well and I feel great. I intend to push that button for every little thing I feel this time, this is my last chance.

More tomorrow.

Well, folks, I finally have my 7 day monitir. I feel like a time bomb. I was with the tech over 30 minutes. LOL, before she called me back, I had a few "skips" in the waiting room, I thought to myself, "what a way to start". They stopped by the time she called me back however.

It holds 14 events, but, I can call them in after any number, I change patches daily, it is very sensitive, she said if I hear a ring, do not worry, it is just picking up either an artifact or a skip I did not feel. When I press the button, I hold it down for 3 seconds, then release, it makes a high pitched whistle for 90 seconds, then goes back to monitor stance. After 14, I call it in, I dial an 800 number, and give them my patient number and other info, then, press the button after the tech says to go ahead, release it, it will take about 30 minutes to transfer, she did it once this morning, for a base line, the first one was bad, had a lot of artifacts, so, the tech put a new set of leads on, and cleaned the areas more for the patches, I did another base line, then took it off and she sent again to the base, this time, it was a perfect recording. It goes to New Jersey,it seems this company does a lot of heart center monitors. If they see anything wrong, or any numbers even one or two off of what is "normal" they will call the cardiologist, he, will look at it to make sure it is OK, then if not, call my doctor with the report, she said is usually almost always ok, but the receiving tech has to call any thing that may look abnormal or numbers off parameter. I am not to hang up until the person says it is ok, then, and only then, do I put the lead cord back into the machine, putting the cord back in resets it back to zero, until then, I can resend as it is still in the memory.

She said to not let it run my life, to relax and all will be well, weird sounds and such mean nothing.

Oh, the sound when transmitting is not bad at all, it is just a high pitched whistle, and I can sort of hear my beats softly in the background. The sound when I record is very high pitched too an loud, I hope I do not have to press the button too much when out is public.

So, it has been on me for 1 and a half hours, so far, the machine has not picked up anything and I have felt nothing. She said I can press it anytime, even if it is to just get baselines or if I am wondering what is going on should I be more nervous than usual or lightheaded, etc . I guess it is like having my own personal cardiologist with me at all times. It shows how many events or times the machine has recorded, and a little bar rises too. The batteries are good the entire time.

Well, that is all for now. I will be posting in this particular diary the entire 7 days and if I feel something significant.

I am still really nervous, hope I get over this soon. I will be taking a walk later to calm down.

Susie

Wow, I am happy, I am going to post what I just sent my doctor. I know for some, what I just did may not seem like a big deal, but for me, it was a major feat, I will write more after the quote of what I wrote:

Like I said in the letter, I was petrified and tried to talk myself out of it, then I felt crazy for doing so, and I did it anyway. Like I said, I did have some "skips" before I left, but none during, I was so happy. I am so blessed to have a major store in walking distance. LOL, I can see the back of it from my house, it only takes a few minutes on a good day with no ice to make me take detours, so, it was a good start.

Whew, LOL, I am ashamed to say, I am still sort of nervous, short of breath and keyed up, but, I am sure glad I did it.

Anyway, wanted to share, it has been your great responses that really helped me, those, and the Lord's help as well.

Have a great day my dear friends.
Hugs to all
Susie

I SO love the Nike + iPod thing I got for Christmas - it accurately measures how far you've run and gives you (some) progress updates, on-demand updates, and when you kick a little extra ass? I found out today that Lance Armstrong has a pre-recorded congratulatory message for you.

So cool.

And I always hated running when I didn't know how far I was running, only how long - and so I never knew if I was making progress or not - with this I can run anywhere and know how far I've gone. Makes for more interesting runs! :D

And I had a few skips while I ran. Big deal. So does everyone.

My pace wasn't fast by any stretch - 9:03/mile over the whole 6, faster at the start, slower at the end, but it felt really good.

Hello, I wrote this to my doctor today, I wanted to share with you as well, it really shows what I have been going through and why I am the way I am. I had to post 4 different entries, it is so long.

I have to post in two parts, I got a message saying it was too long.