Exhausted
Posted 10-31-2011 at 05:11 PM by Jenna
So I had such a strange weekend. I stayed off the forum, mainly because sometimes I just get so depressed about it all that I just can't talk about it anymore. It is so exhausting. That was how I felt this weekend. I feel very manic/depressive (feel, not am. LOL.) Sometimes when an idea hits me that could help me "figure it all out" I get so excited and get this rush and I can babble about it forever. Then the bulb dies out a bit and I realize that no matter how many things I try or how many theories I come up with, it doesn't make a difference.
I have seriously altered everything in my life in attempts to make these go away and I'm so tired of it! If I'm thin I get them, heavier I get them, work out/not work out, magnesium, aloe vera juice, protein shakes, low sodium, multi-vitamin supplements, sleeping on my side only, sleeping practically sitting up straight, drinking 3 liters of water per day, no carbs, all carbs....scary part is that I can keep going and I've been living this way for nearly 2 years. Maybe more!
Yesterday, I had a great day for the most part. I didn't get my first skip until around 8 when I sat down to watch tv. I purposely just kept busy most of the day. I knew that they would start when I sat down. And they did right on schedule. Did they start because I was terrified they would and thus cause the tension in my body to increase without even feeling it? Probably. I ended up with only 3 total I think. My new coping mechanism is to cough when I know the thump is coming. It tricks my brain into not feeling as scared. I have a tendency to freeze once I feel the skip until the thud comes. Its hilarious, I literally just stop what I'm doing every time. If I cough and don't feel the thump, maybe it won't stress me out as much.
I know I need to figure out to live with it and not be obsessed with trying to stop it. It probably won't stop until I've figured out to live with it anyway.
My first journal vent. Felt nice
I have seriously altered everything in my life in attempts to make these go away and I'm so tired of it! If I'm thin I get them, heavier I get them, work out/not work out, magnesium, aloe vera juice, protein shakes, low sodium, multi-vitamin supplements, sleeping on my side only, sleeping practically sitting up straight, drinking 3 liters of water per day, no carbs, all carbs....scary part is that I can keep going and I've been living this way for nearly 2 years. Maybe more!
Yesterday, I had a great day for the most part. I didn't get my first skip until around 8 when I sat down to watch tv. I purposely just kept busy most of the day. I knew that they would start when I sat down. And they did right on schedule. Did they start because I was terrified they would and thus cause the tension in my body to increase without even feeling it? Probably. I ended up with only 3 total I think. My new coping mechanism is to cough when I know the thump is coming. It tricks my brain into not feeling as scared. I have a tendency to freeze once I feel the skip until the thud comes. Its hilarious, I literally just stop what I'm doing every time. If I cough and don't feel the thump, maybe it won't stress me out as much.
I know I need to figure out to live with it and not be obsessed with trying to stop it. It probably won't stop until I've figured out to live with it anyway.
My first journal vent. Felt nice
Total Comments 5
Comments
-
Glad to provide a place to vent. And I'd be willing to bet that there are people here and lots and lots of people who could tell that same story - they tried everything and nothing worked - permanently, anyway. The maddening thing for me was when something worked for a week, and I'd grow to rely on it, and then it'd stop working.
Now everyone is different, and I don't mean to say that this is all in your head - however, for me? Most of it was in my head. The thing that needed to change was between my ears, not what I ate or any habits I had. Heck, I probably drink a pot of coffee and 4 diet sodas a day - and I used to be convinced that cutting out caffeine was the key.
And because you seem to be suffering in the same manner I did, and are taking a lot of the same steps I did (and I read that you're bucking for a promotion, something I was certainly always doing when I didn't run my own business), I get the sense that you, like me, might have a thing with stress. For me it was sneaky, because it creeps up slowly - it's not like the flu, where within a few hours you get achy and feverish. I think it's a long, slow process that may take years before anything manifests itself, and by the time it does, a person is so far down the line in how they live, how they approach things that they don't quite know what to change to make things better.
I dunno. I could just be talking out my ass, too. I just know that for me, figuring out how to not be stressed was the biggest thing. That and SSRIs, which I know you had a bad reaction to (which is disappointing to me, because it took that for me to see things differently and learn to behave/react differently).
Good first vent!Posted 10-31-2011 at 11:36 PM by Jeff
-
Thanks Jeff
Not talking out of your ass at all. You sound like you come from a place that is on the other side of the nightmare. So I genuinely take to heart what you and others have to say. You are right and seem to pin point some of those similarities in how you and I'm sure so many others have gone through this process. Fear, then action oriented (experimentation with everything in my life that could cause these), then sheer exhaustion perhaps leads to acceptance.
I am a stress case. I know that. I like to say its the heart stuff that is what makes me the stress case, but I know I have so many things in my life that scare me and stress me and have just piled on, like you said, sneaking up without my realizing the impact it has on me mentally. I've moved 4 times since June and started a new job in July. And now the possible promotion opportunity, all of this positive stuff, but STRESSFUL nonetheless. And that doesn't even touch the dramas in my life, moreover, that of my family.
Time to start looking at stress reduction techniques besides just...running. It gets out some adrenaline, but it also stresses my body if I do it too much and I had been doing at least a mile per day for 5 months. Maybe I'll try yoga again, if I can let my mind go enough and be okay with some palps in the process. LOL. I wish SSRI's didn't do that stuff to me. I know their value and have seen it help so many people.
I wrote in the journal, because I felt that I didn't want to keep taking up forum space for myself. I feel like a selfish forum participant sometimes. Until I get a semblance of control of my fear, I have a hard time being as good of a support to everyone on here as they are to me. And I hate that. So thanks for understanding. I appreciate you and everyone else here more than I can begin to say.
- JennaPosted 11-01-2011 at 12:53 AM by Jenna
-
Glad you were able to vent.... I know how obsessive we can become on these things, to were they make us so tired, and more stressed.
Here for you girly anytime ya needPosted 11-01-2011 at 08:21 AM by DaniRae
-
Thanks Dani! Only you guys can understand the obsession that can come from this stuff!!Posted 11-01-2011 at 08:49 PM by Jenna
-
I love your journal entry. I'm in the experimental phase right now! I think it's the positive attitude and hope that sometimes calms down the paps! I feel like a forum junkie now too, maybe I'll start doing journal entries?! I need to figure out how to get my photo up first though!Posted 11-27-2011 at 12:14 AM by Katie
