A lovely good day to you all.

Man, it is so lovely out, the sun is shining, and against the white snow on the ground, it looks just like a postcard. No wind either, perfect.

I have been busy all morning, I am trying to get forms and paperwork in order so I can get a passport and some other things, man, the red tape you have to go through, they sure could save a lot of trees if it was not for all that paperwork, LOL, form after form, kind of stressful to say the least. I have some of them already filled out, now I need to get them notarized, and get a picture for passport, then I can send all that in and then wait for the return of my passport booklet. Whew, I am tired already. LOL.

I also have to go to Yakima today to return that heart monitor and to do some other things. I have been so busy, I forgot to even think about my heart beats and such, it is good.

Well dear ones, I am off, have some things to do. Have a wonderful day in the Lord.

Love and hugs to all
Susie~Q

Well I just took my KOH monitor off, I did not have any major "skips" so, those two weeks were rather uneventful. As I said, I took it off today, the allotted time is over, now, I feel very lost without it and am nervous that I will have a major "skip" episode and I do not have the monitor to record it. I am even sort of feeling something like little "Skips" right now, but, I know that it is not so, my pulse is fine. This just goes to show me that most of my heart skips are "anxiety related" but still, I am nervous.

Please keep me in your prayers and ask our dear Lord to help me feel at peace, gosh, if I felt good with the monitor, I should feel fine now, it is just my silly thought pattern running away with me.

I will see the doctor about the results next Tuesday, the 31st, I will let you all know what he says.

Thank you and God bless
Susie

Well, here is another 7 day journal, this one is for the new monitor, as I said in my last post in my last journal, I just did not feel that the monitor I wore for those 7 days was any good, it was banged up, had tape on it, etc. This one is a lot better, so, here we go again.

It was put on me at 11:30 before I came home, this time, I will not be out of town, but home, so, we shall see if this makes a difference, I tend to be more nervous at home, but, so far, all is well and I feel great. I intend to push that button for every little thing I feel this time, this is my last chance.

More tomorrow.

Well, folks, I finally have my 7 day monitir. I feel like a time bomb. I was with the tech over 30 minutes. LOL, before she called me back, I had a few "skips" in the waiting room, I thought to myself, "what a way to start". They stopped by the time she called me back however.

It holds 14 events, but, I can call them in after any number, I change patches daily, it is very sensitive, she said if I hear a ring, do not worry, it is just picking up either an artifact or a skip I did not feel. When I press the button, I hold it down for 3 seconds, then release, it makes a high pitched whistle for 90 seconds, then goes back to monitor stance. After 14, I call it in, I dial an 800 number, and give them my patient number and other info, then, press the button after the tech says to go ahead, release it, it will take about 30 minutes to transfer, she did it once this morning, for a base line, the first one was bad, had a lot of artifacts, so, the tech put a new set of leads on, and cleaned the areas more for the patches, I did another base line, then took it off and she sent again to the base, this time, it was a perfect recording. It goes to New Jersey,it seems this company does a lot of heart center monitors. If they see anything wrong, or any numbers even one or two off of what is "normal" they will call the cardiologist, he, will look at it to make sure it is OK, then if not, call my doctor with the report, she said is usually almost always ok, but the receiving tech has to call any thing that may look abnormal or numbers off parameter. I am not to hang up until the person says it is ok, then, and only then, do I put the lead cord back into the machine, putting the cord back in resets it back to zero, until then, I can resend as it is still in the memory.

She said to not let it run my life, to relax and all will be well, weird sounds and such mean nothing.

Oh, the sound when transmitting is not bad at all, it is just a high pitched whistle, and I can sort of hear my beats softly in the background. The sound when I record is very high pitched too an loud, I hope I do not have to press the button too much when out is public.

So, it has been on me for 1 and a half hours, so far, the machine has not picked up anything and I have felt nothing. She said I can press it anytime, even if it is to just get baselines or if I am wondering what is going on should I be more nervous than usual or lightheaded, etc . I guess it is like having my own personal cardiologist with me at all times. It shows how many events or times the machine has recorded, and a little bar rises too. The batteries are good the entire time.

Well, that is all for now. I will be posting in this particular diary the entire 7 days and if I feel something significant.

I am still really nervous, hope I get over this soon. I will be taking a walk later to calm down.

Susie

Wow, I am happy, I am going to post what I just sent my doctor. I know for some, what I just did may not seem like a big deal, but for me, it was a major feat, I will write more after the quote of what I wrote:

Like I said in the letter, I was petrified and tried to talk myself out of it, then I felt crazy for doing so, and I did it anyway. Like I said, I did have some "skips" before I left, but none during, I was so happy. I am so blessed to have a major store in walking distance. LOL, I can see the back of it from my house, it only takes a few minutes on a good day with no ice to make me take detours, so, it was a good start.

Whew, LOL, I am ashamed to say, I am still sort of nervous, short of breath and keyed up, but, I am sure glad I did it.

Anyway, wanted to share, it has been your great responses that really helped me, those, and the Lord's help as well.

Have a great day my dear friends.
Hugs to all
Susie

Hello, I wrote this to my doctor today, I wanted to share with you as well, it really shows what I have been going through and why I am the way I am. I had to post 4 different entries, it is so long.

I have to post in two parts, I got a message saying it was too long.

I just received this e-mail from my doctor, it has really upset me, no one takes me serious and I am genuinely afraid, there is no way I can change my way of thinking when I am upset, all I asked was for some reassurance, and this is what I got.

I am wrong for being upset over the letter?

Hi Susan,


I have received 6 e-mails from you in the last 2 weeks (since Dec 22nd) if there were more than that I did not receive them. Stay off the thyroid for now. Keep trying the supplements on the list that I gave you.


I am going to be blunt about what I think is going on for you.


I think that you are obsessed with your health and that it feeds your anxiety.


At this point it is difficult for me to tell what is actually a physiological reaction that would occur even in a most relaxed Susan and what is a physiological reaction that has at it's core an anxious person who is obsessed by her heart and something being wrong with it. This makes it very difficult to judge whether or not a medication works for you since your anxiety can make you worse no matter what anyone gives you.


Your solution is always another test. I believe that this makes you feel like you are getting to the bottom of your health issues, or calming your anxiety or satisfying your intellect. In actuality you are continuously feeding your obsession.


I believe that your solution should be accepting the life God has offered you and learning to become of service to others in whatever capacity you can to open up new neural pathways that do not include the time and space to become obsessed by your own health. This is your true path to healing, not being obsessed with the idea that you have a heart problem and endlessly pursuing it.

Well, I am hurting very badly, but, I had to post a journal as being scared and upset about things makes my pain even worse, it won't be too long as I can not type without hurting. Anyway, here goes.

I have been reading some responses to my post about finally have the 7 day KoH, they have been comforting, now, however, I am petrified that I may be having NSVT. I never thought of it before until I read some posts about folks having it. I am wondering if I do too. Here is why.

On my 24 hour holter, it said I had 2 "runs" one was 6 beats at 113 and the other 8 beats at 100, they were both atrial runs. Well, I really did not feel those, but, lately I AM feeling something that I did not have while on the 24 monitor. I will try to describe it. (What the heck are "runs" anyway.)

I will feel one and a half quick beats, then a pause, then, it feels like my heart is sort of "flopping" or a drum roll while it tries to right itself, then, a skip, then back to normal. It last less than 10 seconds usually, and, here are the only times I usually feel them.
1. While I am sitting slouched in a chair.
2. After I eat
3. If I have a lot of gas in my tummy.
4. When hungry.
5. When I am at the computer reading things that are upsetting me, of course, I am not sitting straight either.
6. When lying down.
7. When bending down.


I notice that sometimes, if I sit up real straight before they really get going, it may stop them in their tracks. As of yet, I have not felt any when standing up or walking. I sometimes get a small version when I eat as well.

The thought of having NSVT just sends me into pure panic, I am doing better with the single "skips" that is a major hurdle for me, but, these other things, man, I am like a scared deer frozen in one spot when I feel them and I can not think straight, I get really uptight and then, that starts my pains that the herniated disc are adding to as well.

I will sure be glad to get the monitor, although I am sure afraid as well as to what it will find.

That is all, I am hurting now. Take care and God bless.

Hugs
Susie

Well, I survived Christmas. I had a few "skips" that day, I think I was so afraid that I would have some, I brought them on, today, however, I did not feel any, Praise the Lord, it was nice, but, I must admit, I was scared thinking I would, what a way to live.

I have been reading and doing some posting today here. It seems that many of the folk's doctors tell them it is anxiety and stress related. I wish I would hear this more too. My doctors just will NOT come out and say that, oh, one did, she said she was going to go out on a limb and say all my troubles, etc, were anxiety related; but the other doctor that I have seen, well, he won't commit to anything and he is the one that ordered my tests and whom I have talked to about my "skips" He just says there is nothing wrong with my heart, trust him, and don't worry. He is the one that I wrote about that said "however, it does not mean that my heart will not go into more dangerous arrhythmias later on down the road", that really shook me up, he said it after he saw that I was happy about my "skips" at this time being benign, which he also said.

I told the other doctor about that, the one that said she was going out on a limb, and she said that was a scare tactic used by some doctors to get you to come back, she said for me, however, that was equal to a 5 alarm fire.

Also, when I have gone to the ER for anxiety, the "skips" etc, again, I am not told it is anxiety, they just say I am fine and send me home, they do not even tell me to make follow up visits with my regular physician; maybe one doctor said anxiety, but the rest of my visits, and I have been to different ER's, depends on what city I am in at the time, they didn't. It scares me, it makes me think that there is more wrong with me than they are letting on, it is horrible and I really resent them for being so closed mouthed.

I DO believe that some doctors gravy train a person, especially in this area, they may not even mean to, but, they do. I mean, what else would you call not getting a clear-cut answer, especially when they can see you are petrified. It is a mystery to me for sure.

Rant finished for now. God bless you all.
Susie

Well, I am back again and scared as ever, maybe even more than before, it is really taking its toll on me, how much fear can I take?

My echo and holter were great, so was my carotid IMT scan, in fact, it showed no plaque at all, all this makes me a low risk for heart disease, but dang, these "skips" are scaring me so badly, I can not even think.

I was in a restaurant tonight with my friend, I felt one or two little "blips" I tried to ignore them, well, right before my meal was served, I had one of those "runs" you know, where the heart starts with a beat and a half, then a pause, then a few fast ones, then a beat and a half, then a pause, then back to normal. It all lasted a few seconds, but, I tell you, my fright was so bad, I had to fight every fiber in me to not go to the ER. I mean, the fear is getting worse and worse, it is taking over my life, I am powerless, I am literally paralyzed with fear, I can not do anything without being afraid, and sure enough, when I do something, I will "feel" something weird. Sometimes I swear they are getting worse, but, I keep remembering my tests and how good they were, but, it really does not help. Right now, I feel real "gassy" and I have had some of those "blips" in my throat, also had a PAC in my chest, I am really scared again and all I do is cry. Man, I want to calm down and not be afraid, but, I can't control it.

The Kava is not helping, or, if it is, it is not for long and my fear breaks through. I can NOT take any drugs, they work opposite and the "cure is worse than the sickness" I am at the end of my rope, how long will this last? I have to get well.

Night time is my worse time, I get in bed and leave my TV on so I don't worry or think about my "skips" but, I usually feel some, I think it may be gas, but really not sure. I am not as bad during the day, my torment starts around 6 in the evening and goes on all night until I fall asleep. This stinks big time.

Well, that is all for now. Ranting and writing helps some, I just want to feel good again. I wish I had a doctor that cared, I have no doctor to talk to, the ones I have had just ignore me now, I get no reassurance from any of them. I feel so hopeless and helpless.

Man, how I wish I had the few skips that I had in 2004 and even 2008, I just thought I had it bad, now, I notice everything, sure, the holter said only 32 PAC's but some days, I feel I have more and it scares me. I want my old health back, I want to feel well again and not be afraid. :-(

Oh, is it true that not drinking enough water can bring these horrid things on. I hardly EVER drink water, I am so afraid, after I drink water, I usually have some "skips" so now, I avoid it like the plague. This can not be healthy either. I am ruining my health with fear.

Well, here I am , feeling sick and scared. It seems like lately, my PAC's or whatever they are, are scaring me more all the time and I can't find any comfort, even my doctor says I am fine. Well, I do NOT feel fine, I am scared and want help. I plan on BEGGING my doctor to let me have another echo, my last one was September of 2008, and, it was terrific, but, that was three years ago and now I am worried again.

To add to this, I am experiencing excruciating pain in my left shoulder and upper arm. I have some herniated discs at the C4 C5 C6 level and they are worse and this is the cause. I have undergoing disc decompression, it helps some, but, the pain comes back later, the doc said it will take about 6 treatments, so, we shall see.

Also, I am in a full blown nervous illness, or, in lay terms, nervous break down. ALL my symptoms scare me and I can not talk myself out of the fears. I am constantly trying to breath, this in turn, makes me more short of breath as I am hyperventilating, I am a mess. I sleep OK, but when I wake up, the gasping starts, I know it is "nerves" but, I can not break this cycle. I even went to the ER about the breathing problem, they did an EKG, chest x-ray, and other things, all was normal, it was anxiety, but, I was so scared I went in. My heart rate on the EKG was 120, it would not slow down until I left the ER.

I am also in peri-menopause, this also causes alot of my problems, I am doing "Natural, bio-identical creams" they help some, but not a lot.

I have tried things like Kava Kava for my nerves, but, guess what, they all work opposite and make me feel even worse. No way will I try Paxil or related products, I did once and ended up in the ER with complications. Gee.

Oh how I wish I was well again, how I wish these "Skips" and other weird heart feelings would go away or at least not scare me. I know I am blessed, I do not have any where near the amount of most folks here, maybe 5 a day or less, but just one sends me into pure panic. I wish I could drink water or eat with out having them, this does not happen all the time, but, I never know when it will, especially if I lay down or slouch. I guess it is my hiatal hernia, but I still hate it.

To top all this off, my dear dad is NOT doing well and he won't do a thing about it. I am watching a once, healthy man go down-hill in front of me and it petrifies me. He has lost so much weight, won't eat, is very weak, etc. All I can do is pray for him. He is 90, and I have been lucky to have him this long. He grieves for my mom still who has been with the Lord 6 years now. I know no one lives forever, but, if he would just take care of himself more like seeing a doc of some sort, but, I can not mention it anymore, he does NOT want to, so, I respect that.

I miss posting here, but, to be honest, whenever I am reading any posts from any health forum, my heart skips and I take on the symptoms of the poster, it stinks big time. I know I am a hypochondriac, but, I am very open to any thing like that at this point.

School is completely out of the question until I get myself back in line, no way could I ever study feeling like this. I feel like such a failure.

Well, I have had my rant, now back to trying to get on with today's activities.

Hello to any who read this, I hope and pray that everyone is doing better daily, I think of you all often.

God's blessings to all.
Susie